Every time I get into a groove and I start feeling myself, I find myself saying things and giving advice out that only works when you’re feeling good, unless you’re a disciplined person, and I always regret doing that when I eventually hit my next rut.
I’ve recently gone through a crazy emotional roller coaster and it came right after a consistent run of turning up for myself and stepping into who I am. As soon as I fell into the depths of that rut all of the positive habits I had built over the last month immediately fell to the way side and I stopped doing any of them. At the moment, I hate that I am still that fragile. It’s come as a loud reminder that changing who I am is going to take a hell of a lot more work than I thought.
My ego always thinks I’m further along the journey than I am, and the true test of if I’ve really changed will be when I can go through rough patches in life without compromising all of the habits that make up the man I want to become. I don’t mind dropping some of them to take care of myself during a rut, but I don’t want to drop everything and punish myself by ceasing to take care of myself at all, which is what usually happens. I get so depressed sometimes that I don’t shower, brush my teeth, eat, talk, exercise, drink, and I mostly sleep and mope. I know it’s important to take time away from things sometimes, but I want to be able to regulate my emotions better, and be able to deal with my pain more healthily.
I’m back on the horse trying again for the umpteenth time, and I’ll remain hopeful and try to keep moving toward the man I wish to become.