Note: I’ve changed so much recently that in this blog post, I might as well be talking about someone else, because I am no longer the person I speak about.
I would rather agree to something I don’t want to do than to make things awkward and say no. I’ve done multiple creative jobs over the years because I’ve felt obliged to do so. I never learnt how to say no to something and not feel guilt, for example, If I said yes to a job and the conditions of that job were changed after the fact, I would go along with it because I was too uncomfortable to say that’s not what was agreed, or say you changed the conditions. I never knew how to speak up for myself so I would just do the job and resent it whilst I was doing it. Each time, I resented the person paying for the job, and I resented myself even more and thought of myself as a frickin pussy. A gutless pussy.
The more I didn’t stand up for myself, the less self-respect I had, and the spiral continued for so long I thought that was my life. I thought I’d be tiptoeing through life, hoping to avoid any character challenging situations, and I’d get by just fine. I had hopes that I’d become a man of my word, but my reality said otherwise. I practically gave up on myself and was too scared to try to speak up or step up for myself cos I’d feel too vulnerable.
I realise now that my quality of life reflected the scared person I was and I’m finally, FINALLY at a place in myself where I am a lot more confident that I am no longer a gutless pussy, and I’m frickin proud of myself!