My whole life I’ve been a passive and submissive person. Asserting who I am was never an option. I thought it was just being polite to let other people take up space, but I’ve come to realise there’s a huge difference between being polite and dishonouring yourself. I didn’t realise it then, but each time I dishonoured myself I’d lose respect for myself too and I felt more and more like a pussy. Seeing or being around people who took up space, made me feel uncomfortable and I felt like I had to balance their bravado with my passivity. The feeling around me had to stay neutral or I’d get anxious, heck I still do to a degree but nowhere near as much as I used to. Sometimes I would get hot flushes, or I’d get shaky knees and I would overthink the whole situation and try to predict all the possible outcomes, which left me feeling mentally fucked.
When I unpack this I can see two important lessons:
1. Dishonouring myself leads to feeling worse and the results affect other areas of my life.
2. I’m envious of people who can take up space confidently, not arrogantly and I’d like to be more like them.
I’m currently on a journey toward honouring myself more consistently and I’m proud to say I’m winning the fight. I’m more of myself than I’ve ever been, and not in a bullshet social media “authentic” way, but in a real way. I’ve earnt the right to feel how I’ve been feeling lately.