There was a point in my relationship when we very much felt like flat mates, and I was far too emotionally immature to have meaningful conversations around how I felt. I didn’t know how to talk, and I didn’t know how to make sense of what I was feeling, so I did what I always did and said nothing. I kept things to myself and hoped (foolishly) that things would just get better. I obviously didn’t know about Courtney C. Stevens’ quote “If nothing changes, nothing changes.”
I can’t remember how long things went like this, but it felt like we would break up.
Anyway, we went to a party at a mate’s place, and I remember getting to a point that night where I was justifying stupid thoughts in my head, and I wanted to hook up with this girl. I would get nervous when it felt like things could happen between me and her and I would have conversations in my head. I’d say stuff it, who cares, we’re gonna break up anyway. Maybe this will be for the best. If things get worse, I might as well make the most of tonight. I don’t want to hurt my partner. I was going back and forth with myself, and I didn’t end up doing anything, thank goodness. I was straight up thinking with my dick that night, and the stress of my life and lack of emotional control and maturity made it harder to resist that temptation.
I’m happy to be at a place within myself now where I have a bit more emotional maturity and harder conversations are a lot more accessible to me now.
Just like Shia LaBeouf said during an episode of The Hollywood Reporter: Actors Roundtable, “When you lead with lightness and love, you can get to the heavy, easier.”
Leading with that lightness is way more approachable now that my partner and I can communicate when things happen and when they are small, instead of letting things fester and grow to a scary unapproachable monster.