I’m not talking about courage in the way that you declare you’ll die for those you love on the top of a mountain whilst facing a hoard of enemies, although this too is courage.
When I speak of courage, I mean the ability to put yourself and your beliefs out to the world without worrying what others may think or worrying little of what they think and still sharing anyway.
Among many other forms, I think courage is when you can have the hard conversation even though your legs are trembling, and your stomach is dropping.
Courage is when you can be asked a hard question and have the emotional maturity and intelligence to articulate your thoughts and share them precisely the way you would like without “pulling your punches.”
I’ve long been a people pleaser and a big part of my identity is attached to what others think of me. I know it can make people like me, and I like to be liked which is why I continue, but this is a shallow way to live.
If you could imagine my potential being a ten-story building, the first floor being the beginning of your life, the top floor representing reaching your fullest potential, I feel like I’m still living at the second floor. The first floor is where I learnt to function as a child and teenager. The second floor is where I learnt to function as a young adult and now full-grown adult, however worrying about external thoughts of me more than my own thoughts of myself has stunted my ability to ascend to the next floor of potential.
There are many ideas and thoughts I’ve had over the years that have remained in incubation for years, not given the opportunity to fulfil their potential. They are a constant reminder of the courage I have lacked over the years.
I like to think of myself as unique and someone who walks to the beat of his own drum, and to some extent this is true, but not all of it. I walk outside of the norm so far as I don’t ruffle any feathers or draw too much attention to myself. This sounds ironic now that I say this out loud because drawing attention to myself is part of the reason I like to walk to a different beat. However, I only want “wanted” attention. Having unwanted attention makes me crumble and I lose all sense of the courage I so desperately seek.
“If I speak up and give my honest opinion, they may not like it and start hating me and I don’t want to be hated. I’m a good guy. I better not. I’ll just let people say what they want and keep my thoughts to myself. I knew I should’ve thought about it more before posting it.”
This is how a conversation would typically play out in my head, usually in a millisecond.
This is why I experience the anxiety I often feel when I think of social media.
I think it comes down to a combination of two things:
1. I have incredibly high expectations of myself and expect myself to say the perfect thing every time. (a recipe for disaster. I already see it differently now that I’ve written it out.)
2. I hold the opinions of others far above my opinions of myself and I forget the credibility I have in certain areas, especially in regard to tattooing and art.
It seems obvious now what must be done, and that’s to remove the mental shackles I’ve unknowingly placed on myself and to cultivate courage by taking steps. I didn’t continue growing up like all mature adults should. I’ll start by posting my honest thoughts and opinions on smaller easier to digest manners and be okay with being wrong and corrected. I’ll remember that my opinion of myself is more important than those of strangers and that each time I share is an opportunity to honour my potential and is a step toward that tenth story.