I didn’t realise I was an anxious person until a few years ago (I’m not sure if I have anxiety, hence the reason I say I’m an anxious person instead) and it made no sense to me.
I’d like to call myself an ambivert, someone who can be both introverted and extroverted depending on the situation, and the smallest seemingly insignificant things would make me anxious. I’d get anxious waiting in line at a shop if the line was moving too slow, or if I felt like I was holding up the line whilst being served, during the silence whilst waiting for my eftpos payment to go through, if my order was wrong and I had to ask to change it, if I saw someone at a supermarket that I’m just on a ‘chur’ basis with but not a how have you been basis, if I even think about going to the supermarket because sometimes I don’t want to see anyone and talk to them.
My trauma coach helped me dive into what might be reason I feel anxious during those scenarios, and it came down to being uncomfortable taking up space. Growing up I subconsciously learnt that being quiet and small was the ideal behaviour I needed to have if I wanted things to go smoothly. Taking up space meant more chance of things going wrong and me getting a growling. I was unconsciously walking around as that kid in an adult body and now it makes sense.
I still get anxious but understanding why I do helps snap me out of spiralling into that anxiety even further. I’ve been practicing doing things before I have time to overthink, and it’s been working in the instances that have come up so far. I’m still learning to remind myself that it’s okay to take up space.
If you see me out and about and I look like I’m trying to hide, just know I’m not being a snob. I’m probably going through an anxious moment.