I subconsciously learnt as a child that when my parents got angry, I felt I had to become invisible and put my feelings and emotions on hold until they felt better. After sessions with my trauma coach, I learnt that I felt like I needed permission to have my own feelings, especially if they were the opposite to how my parents felt. If they were happy, I felt like I had to be, even if I wasn’t. If they were grumpy or angry, I couldn’t be happy until they were. I had no idea that this existed within me until I spoke with my trauma coach. This behaviour or reaction of mine carried through into my relationship. Whenever my partner and I would have tension and she was mad at me, my natural instinct was to be quiet and pretend to be invisible and wait until she wanted to talk to me. I would never approach her to talk, because I was unknowingly carrying my own childhood trauma and I never learnt how to approach anyone for a meaningful conversation, least of all with those closest to me. My internal emotions were predicated on how my partner felt. I always felt guilty for feeling good if she didn’t. Even when she did approach me to talk, I wouldn’t know what to say and I’d just want her to tell me what to say and to tell me what to do in order to make things better. I was terrified of making things worse, so I felt like I was stuck in place surrounded by mines. If I stepped left there’d be an explosion, if I stepped right there’d be an explosion. Feeling like this in those situations was incredibly paralysing.
My trauma coach taught me that acceptance of my emotions and feelings had to come from myself and not external sources. It’s super obvious to me now, but during the tumultuous times in my relationship, it was invisible to both me and my partner.
I’m so glad I’ve gotten help and understand what was going on with me and I can now see it for what it was. I don’t struggle to talk with my partner anymore and have initiated most of our conversations recently. I feel a lot more confident to speak my truth in that space when I’ve been taking care of myself and have been doing the things I need to do. It’s a bit more difficult to do when I’m feeling sorry for myself though, and I sometimes feel my mind fall back into old habits if I don’t catch myself fast enough.